Awakening
by Stokrot
Summary: After a mission goes wrong and Shokudaikiri gets bady wounded, Ookurikara drowns in guilt. But is is just because he failed on the battlefield or is there more to it?


_**Awakening**_

 _The rain isn't stopping._

 _His foot slips in the mud, a chance his opponent immediately uses to his advantage. The attack is broad, coming from his right, and Ookurikara barely manages to parry. He is quite exhausted already; the fight turned out to be much more difficult than they had expected before setting off. Still, they need to – have to – hold their ground._

 _The enemy strikes again and this time his blow reaches its goal. The dark blade cuts deeply into Ookurikara's left shoulder, sending a hot wave of pain down his arm. He bites back a cry. There isn't much time left; he's got another wound under his ribs, warm blood trickling down his side. He needs to finish it quickly, or else..._

 _He gathers all his remaining strength for one decisive strike, and somehow succceds, the Retrograde Army warrior dissipating into thin air. Ookurikara lets himself fall to his knees, breathing heavily. It's finally over._

 _Only it isn't. Another enemy appears almost out of nowhere – this time a powerful ootachi – and Ookurikara finds himself with almost no strength to face him. He slips again, the sword falling out of his weakened grip. He tries to reach for it in a desperate attempt, but it's all in vain. In his current pitiful condition he has no chance against such an enemy. He can only wait for death._

 _The ootachi swings his sword and Ookurikara clenches his teeth, awaiting the final blow. Yet, it never comes. Instead, another familar figure appears in his line of sight, but it's already too late to block the strike. Ookurikara watches in terror as ootachi's heavy blade cuts down the one person he would gladly give his life for._

 _'Mitsutada...!'_

He jolts awake, a scream still upon his lips. At first, it's hard for him to make out his surroundings, but soon he recognizes the room he's in. He's back in the Citadel. It was this nightmare again...

He draws a deep breath and lies back down, trying to calm his racing heart. Yes, a nightmare... recurring almost every time he falls asleep – but also much more than just that. It's real. A painful reminder of their most current mission he failed miserably...

Ookurikara clenches his fists. He doesn't remember who defeated the ootachi, or how they managed to return. All he can recall is appearing on the Citadel's courtyard, Shokudaikiri-san bleeding and unconscious in his arms, Tsurumaru running towards them with a shockingly desperate cry, and then... just darkness.

He closes his eyes. How much time has passed since then? He doesn't know. In fact, he shouldn't even be here, in Master Saniwa's room, where only the most gravely wounded are healed. Still...

He dares to steal a glance to his left, where Shokudaikiri-san lies in a futon, unmoving, his chest and shoulder covered in thick layers of bandages, his face pale and his breath short. He is alive, but he is still fighting to survive.

Ookurikara once again finds himself overwhelmed with guilt, hot tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. After all, it is only his fault. If it weren't for him, then...

He looks away. If it weren't for him and his pathetic weakness, Shokudaikiri-san would be fine now. Ookurikara should have been strong enough to hold his ground against an enemy without being saved by another person. And if he was unable to, then he clearly did not deserve to li-...

'Kara-chan? It's you, right...?'

He starts at the sound of these words, before slowly turning his head towards the one who said them. It feels like a treacherous dream: and yet Shokudaikiri-san is suddenly awake, his single pale golden eye locked on Ookurikara's.

'So glad to see you alive...', he sighs softly and winces, clearly in pain. Ookurikara does not reply; in fact he doesn't even know what he should say to it. The only thing he's sure of right now is that the kindness in Shokudaikiri's gaze is just unbearable.

'It's Master Saniwa's room, isn't it?' his wounded companion continues meanwhile, and when he nods, Shokudaikiri's brow furrows. 'My... Did they get me this bad, or... or is it about you?'

'It's not', he replies, perhaps too quickly; yet there is worry in the golden eye he never wants to see. 'I'm fine.'

'Bet you are...' Shokudaikiri gives him a lopsided smile. 'When I last saw you, you could barely stand...'

'It's nothing you should concern yourself with!' Ookurikara snaps bitterly, only to realize his mistake a moment later. 'I... I'm sorry. I just... don't want you to worry about me. Especially now...'

'Oh, but I just have to worry. Don't you remember? I care about all of you!' Shokudaikiri-san lets out a quiet laugh, which results in another painful wince. 'Pretty sure it's the same for you, my dear Kara...'

 _No, it's not!_ , Ookurikara wants to say, but he keeps silent. After all, how could he possibly admit aloud that there is certain someone he cares for ten times more than for others?

'So?' Shokudaikiri-san's gaze finally finds the bandage on Ookurikara's own shoulder and he nods towards it. ' Did Yagen take a look at that?'

'More or less', Ookurikara mumbles in reply. He can't help but look away while saying this, and it's enough for his companion to know immediately that he isn't telling the whole truth.

'Ookurikara...', he sighs, a little admonishingly. 'You really should take better care of yourself. You're important to everyone in the Citadel, you know...'

'I do not care for everyone!' The words leave his mouth before he can stop them. 'And I do not care for myself either! How could I... how could I possibly think about it? How could I leave your side, knowing that you might d-...'

He doesn't finish, the dreadful word he was unable to say aloud hanging between them. For a moment there's only silence – and then, all of a sudden, arms are closing around Ookurikara, cradling him gently. He feels blood rushing to his cheeks. He didn't want to say it... He never meant to reveal this much... what will Shokudaikiri think of him now...?

'I'm sorry...', he hears Shokudaikiri whisper into his ear. 'I'm sorry for making you worry like that.'

'Don't be', Ookurikara shakes his head, only to pull away from the embrace moments later. 'You...You have nothing to apologize for. I am the only one to blame here...'

'Kara-chan...?' Shokudaikiri-san furrows his brow, his golden gaze darkens. Ookurikara finds it hard to look him in the eye.

'I am no good,' he replies. 'I can't even stand for myself on the battlefield… You should never need to save me… and you shouldn't HAVE saved me then either. I'm not worth it. Not at such cost. Not when the price is your li-...'

'Kara!' Shokudaikiri-san interrupts, his voice raised. 'Kara, enough!'

Ookurikara's eyes widen in suprise. He isn't used to seeing his usually composed companion so agitated. That's why he isn't sure how to react.

'Please, Kara', Shokudaikiri-san adds in a much gentler tone, his hand touching Ookurikara's cheek. 'Don't say such cruel things. We're neither almighty, nor indestructible. And it goes for everyone in the Citadel, not just me or you. Nobody expects you to succeed every time. There's a reason we don't go on missions alone, you know that, don't you?'

Ookurikara bites his lip. Deep inside he knows that Shokudaikiri-san is right, still...

'You got hurt because of me. Badly. You risked so much...'

'And I wouldn't hesitate to risk it again.' Shokudaikiri's voice is dead serious this time. 'How could I not save you, Kara-chan? You were always like a little brother to me...'

Ookurikara feels his heart sink. A brother. Of course. That's how it is. That's how Shokudaikiri-san sees him – and why should it be any different? After all, Ookurikara himself realized it just recently. There's no way Shokudaikiri-san could notice his true feelings... so where's this pain coming from?

'Or, should I say...', Shokudaikiri adds after a while, 'that's how it used to be...'

He trails off, and Ookurikara gives him a confused look. Shokudaikiri Mitsutada looks at a loss for words.

'It's just...', he begins once more, only to fall silent moments later. 'Oh, for goodness sake...!'

And then it happens: Shokudaikiri slips his fingers into Ookurikara's hair and places a feather-like kiss on his lips. Ookurikara freezes on the spot, heart racing. WHAT?!

He is too shocked to respond; in fact he can hardly believe it's happening. Shokudaikiri-san has feelings for him? Then… it's not just him? But… how can this be?

'...sorry', Shokudaikiri pulls back with a whisper, the tiniest hint of sadness on his voice. 'I shouldn't have… I just… I didn't mean to scare you away…'

Ookurikara blinks in confusion. He is not scared, why should he? Unless… unless Shokudaikiri-san got it all wrong, misinterpreting his initial lack of reaction as rejection. Ookurikara can't let it happen. He is going to show his true feelings… and there's just one way to prove it.

He leans forward, taking Shokudaikiri's face in both hands, and then kisses him, in a way that should not leave any doubts. He notices a surprised look on his companion's face, before Shokudaikiri responds to the kiss. Ookurikara closes his eyes, relishing in this new sensation, until they finally have to part, both out of breath. Shokudaikiri lets out a quiet laugh.

'For real, Kara-chan?', he asks softly, a smile, that can only be described as happy, playing upon his lips. Ookurikara just nods, glad he doesn't have to say anything – he really isn't one to speak about his feelings openly. Fortunately, Shokudai-..., no, Mitsutada, seems better at it.

'So, we're in love. With each other. And we both had no idea until now', Mitsutada sums up and laughs again. When put this way, it actually IS pretty funny. 'My, my... such fools we are, aren't we?'

Ookurikara pouts a bit, but a moment later he finds himself again in Mitsutada's arms. He scoots closer, and immediately regrets it, when Shokudaikiri flinches, clearly in pain.

'I...'

'Don't worry about it', Mitsutada doesn't let him finish. 'It's not that bad, alright? And it's healing.'

Ookurikara blushes, but nods in reply. And then he dares to ask a question.

'Can... Can I stay here with you? M-Mitsutada?'

He feels like it's a pretty bold thing to ask... and using Shokudaikiri's name is an even bolder one. Yet his partner doesn't seem to mind at all.

'I'm not really the one to ask for permission, you know', he replies half-jokingly. 'But of course you can. Just... promise me one thing, will you?'

Ookurikara looks up, brows raised in question. Shokudaikiri Mitsutada slides a hand through his hair.

'Have Yagen see to your wounds later. I'll feel more at ease if you do so...'

'I... I shall', Ookurikara assures, his throat suddenly tight. Mitsutada smiles at him, before kissing his forehead.

'Then let us rest a bit', he whispers, and Ookurikara lets himself rest his head on Shokudaikiri's shoulder. Suddenly, he feels really tired.

'It's good to be here', he murmurs, his words half-muffled by Mitsutada's chest. 'With you.'

'I feel the same', comes the reply, followed by a hug. 'Now, what about a nap?'

Ookurikara closes his eyes, the steady heartbeat of his loved one lulling him to sleep. There shall be no more nightmares this time.

The rain in his dreams finally stops.


End file.
